on hiatus.

e-pals
grace; xue; christina; pei; anvea; trigger happy

has anything ever mattered so much that, while you await the results, you feel like your heart is palpitating at 123614 beats per sec and that your fingers are shaking?

and when you've actually got the results downloaded in front of you, you suddenly feel like you don't have the strength to stomach whatever fate has got in store for you and you've got your eyes closed without even realizing?

that in this here-and-now, it's dawned upon you that this one outcome, could determine the rest of your life forever?

well, i finally have.

and i'm not even talking about things like A levels, those you get a second shot or third shot or whatever it takes.

for me. it's either right now, or never.

well enough suspense, i'm talking about my UMAT results.

yeah i can't believe i had a near death experience just trying to get my results. :/ ok let me explain once again why this matters so much.
1) if i don't get into medicine or law next year, i'm going back to nus arts and that means years away from matt and who knows how long till i get to go over and migrate? the process is complicated and def hard.
2) my chances of getting into law is pretty much slimmer than med due to my not very impressive gpa. so i have to try all out at med.
3) i want to do med. and it's all i've thought about since i've been here. it gives me more of a sense of purpose and stability. call me an old boring fart if you will. i just like the idea of having a job and knowing specifically what i can do and deriving immediate satisfaction from it. i hate the idea of competition in the workforce. i don't really like aggression, brings out the worst in everyone.
4) if i don't get in now, i might not have a shot next year. the uni is cutting down on the number of uni transfer applicants. and by the time i graduate from nus arts, who knows. i might not do it anymore.

so RESULTS. i would swear now, but i can't find anything apt. i first read my scores and my heart seriously plummeted to the depths of six feet under and i thought this was it. goodbye matt, goodbye aussie, goodbye trying to make sth successful out of uni, goodbye steady income and security in the future. byeee ..

and then i saw another set of scores! this one is my percentile ranking against the cohort of people who took this test with me and i think i did pretty damn decent.

yeah so my scaled scores (which the unis consider) and percentiles kinda signal diff things.

so i'm still ambivalent. i have a feeling i may have a fair shot at the interview tho.